Sex and the Single Christian
by Rebecca Grace
July 20, 2005
(AgapePress) - From episodes of Sex and the City to the pages of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue, American culture is caught in the snare of illicit sex and uses the media as its bullhorn to shout a message of fallacy.
"The shapers of popular culture tell us that sex is meaningless," writes Lauren F. Winner in her new book titled Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity (Brazos Press, 2005).
For example, she cites an episode of the sitcom Friends in which Monica asks her new lover, " 'So, we can still be friends, and have sex?' 'Sure,' he replies, 'it'll just be something we do together, like racquetball.' "
Friends, like various other shows, depicts sex as merely a game. And it's a game viewers are already playing, as evident from sources that clearly reveal the impact of the media on its viewers -- specifically in regards to relationships, love, and sex.
"According to one study, over 14,000 sexual references are shown on TV per year, and the average person will view over 100,000 of those references in his or her lifetime," Winner writes.
"We have passed into the world of all sex, all the time," writes Gil Reavill in his book, Smut: A Sex Industry Insider (and Concerned Father) Says Enough is Enough.
Sadly, the mindset of America's sex-saturated culture is far removed from a biblical depiction of the God-given gift of sex within marriage, sending a plethora of lies to the nation's approximate 82 million singles, as calculated by The Barna Group. Such lies are deceiving all types of singles.
For example, "Christian communities aren't immune to the sexual revolution," Winner writes in Christianity Today. "Three surveys of single Christians conducted in the 1990s turned up a lot of premarital sex: Approximately one-third of the respondents were virgins -- that means, of course, that two-thirds were not."
Without conducting formal research on the notion that sexual activity is increasing among singles who claim to be Christians, Dr. Henry Cloud, clinical psychologist and author, is aware of the problem. "It does appear in today's society that the cultural influences of more sexual expression outside of marriage has had its influence in the church."
So what prevents singles, specifically Christian singles, from adopting a worldly lifestyle largely accepted by society? Here, two Christian singles get candid about their beliefs, their struggles, and the strengths that sustain them on a daily basis.
CARRIE FIELDS
Age: 34
Occupation: Federal employee
Residence: Baltimore, Maryland
"As a 34-year-old single person, dating kind of comes and goes," said Carrie Fields (not her real name), a former journalist who gave her life to Christ at the age of seven. "Since that time, I have always had a strong desire to do the 'right thing' ... even though I didn't always choose 'right.' "
The desire within her to do right remains strong today as she seeks to please the Lord with every aspect of her life, especially when it comes to dating. Fields values her decision to be sexually abstinent until marriage.
"Aside from it being the right thing to do as a Christian, there are just so many issues you don't have to deal with in the dating relationship if sex is not involved," she explained to the AFA Journal. But it's this lack of understanding by both believers and nonbelievers that gets twisted in a sex-crazed society.
"With the ever-increasing societal acceptance of sex before marriage, I think it's easy, even for Christians, to justify or rationalize it," Fields said. "In today's society it [sexual purity] just isn't a top priority."
For example, Fields spoke of how common it is this day and time for Christian couples, even those who are active in church, to live together before getting married. "I have had this conversation with certain friends, and they have said to me they fear getting married without taking that step of sex first. It seems they don't want to risk not knowing if it will be a problematic area of the relationship," Fields explained.
Such excuses and fears, molded by the sexualized media, do not change God's standards. Instead, they validate the decline of this culture and allude to a double standard held by Christians.
"The social stigma against premarital sex is practically a thing of the past ...," Fields admitted. "Thanks to the media and the sexual revolution, singles are now made to feel as if something is wrong with them if they don't have sex before marriage.
"What I think has happened with the dissolution of the social stigma against premarital sex is now happening within the homosexual movement," she added. "Once society has accepted something as 'no big deal,' all bets are off and anything goes. It's quite scary."
For Christians, a commitment to sexual purity is a big deal which is why singles like Fields find significant value in saving sex for marriage, but she is quick to admit that being single in today's world is not easy.
"I think to be in the dating scene at my age is tough," Fields said. "There's so much pressure on TV, in magazines ... everywhere. It's getting harder every day ... not to succumb to the worldly desires that we're faced with every single day."
Fields knows she can't overcome the ways of the world alone, which is why she participates in a weekly women's Bible study where she is held accountable. When it comes to her dating relationships, her first priority is to date a fellow Christian who shares her commitment to sexual purity.
"Church is also a very important part of my life, and I feel it is instrumental in keeping me focused ...," she said. "I always have to remind myself that God sees the big picture ... and His plans are bigger and better than mine.
"I have to have faith in that, and it's that faith that helps me make the right decisions in my personal life."
JASON ILLIAN
Age: 29
Occupation: Motivational speaker (website)
Residence: Fort Worth, Texas
On national television in front of millions of viewers, Jason Illian was told that his lifestyle of sexual purity until marriage was much "too stringent" and "not realistic in this day and age." His response: "I believe that intimacy and commitment go hand-in-hand, and if your partner is not willing to fully commit his or her life to you [in marriage], you shouldn't commit your body to him or her [through sex]."
Illian was on the third season of ABC's The Bachelorette, a reality series where a single woman searches for her soul mate among a group of 25 eligible bachelors as America watches from their living rooms. Although AFA Journal finds little redeeming value in reality shows like The Bachelorette, Illian viewed his participation in the show as an opportunity to share a godly approach to relationships using a secular platform. His efforts proved worthwhile by increasing his visibility, opening doors for him to share a biblical message in a sex-saturated world and bringing a renewed sense of hope to those seeking purity.
"I have been inundated with opportunities to speak on love, sex, and relationships, and I am thankful that many groups are finally willing to address it," Illian told the AFA Journal.
"I went on the show because I was upset at how I saw relationships handled, and I know there's a better way. If that was to come out, great! If they were going to toss me under the bus for what I believe, that's fine too.
"My prayer was 'Lord, no matter how I am portrayed, just use this to touch people's lives,'" he explained. "That's kind of the mentality I try to take every day in everything I do."
For example, he is already seeking to touch the life of his future bride -- whoever she may be -- by saving himself for her until they marry. "It [sexual purity] just seems to be something that was instilled in me from day one .... It just seemed that was the God-given design for it all," he explained. "That doesn't mean that we're not sexual beings, and that doesn't mean there haven't been great moments where we've had to fight it off."
Illian is not ashamed to admit that living a chaste life as a single Christian has its fair share of struggles and challenges. "I have probably had more Christians than non-Christians that come to me and say, 'We just had sex' or 'we're sleeping together every night' or whatever the case may be," Illian explained, adding "it's definitely an increasing trend."
Illian sees both believers and nonbelievers becoming victims of society's message "that sex is a basic human need like air and water. I've seen somebody die of suffocation or lack of liquids, but I've never seen anybody just gasp and keel over in the middle of the street because they've never had sex."
In addition, he believes singles are being molded into the image of a media falsehood that depicts sexual activity as a normal part of dating.
"They've bought into the idea ... [that] you've got to try sex within the first five dates to know if you're compatible," Illian explained. "If you're male and female you're going to be compatible. The parts work together" -- just as commitment and intimacy complement each other.
"Our culture -- when they talk about our belief system, they're not asking if it's true," he said. "I think most of them believe it's true. They're asking us if it works [since] we've done such a poor job of showing it ...."
Illian has willingly accepted God's call to share with others that living life according to a Bible-based belief system really does work. But in order to stand firm, Illian must draw close to the Lord for that is where he gets his strength. He participates in a Bible study group and places great value in having a solid network of accountability partners. When it comes to dating, he is looking for a wife who is devoted to Christ.
After all, "taking this road [of sexual purity] is not for the faint of heart," he said. "You stand up and get shot at. You kneel down and get stepped on," Illian added. "[But] there is a way to live out God-centered principles in a culturally-sensitive environment."
Read Part 2: "Singles, Sex, and the Christian Community"
(link will be activated on July 21, 2005)
Rebecca Grace, a regular contributor to AgapePress, is staff writer for AFA Journal, a monthly publication of the American Family Association. This article appeared in the July 2005 issue.
